Waiting to Die
By: Marta V. Delannoy
Milo Nikolin was from Little Russia and Brie McNeal from Little Ireland; both from Little Europe, South Curry, Oregon. It wasn’t a surprise when they started “hooking up.” Everyone knew it would happen, especially Delilah Dacey, my sister, the matchmaker of the neighborhood. She knew from the first time Milo laid eyes on her best friend that he wanted her and she could tell that Brie wanted him. They had no problem getting to know each other. Their fling went on for months. They were happy and problem-free even though the unavoidable was right in front of them.“I think I’m in love, Lilah.”
Delilah looked at Brie with shocking eyes. “How do you know?”
“I just do.”
“You don’t sound happy, though.”
“Love doesn’t make you happy.”
“Then what’s the point?”
“There is no point. It just…happens.”
“Have you told Milo?”
Brie nodded her head.
“And?”
Brie shook her head.
“Oh.”
Brie began to tear up. “I don’t understand how he could not feel the same. He was there when I fell in love. Why isn’t he in love?”
“I think it’s different for guys. That’s what my Mom says, anyway.”
“Aren’t we made of the same cloth, though? Didn’t Eve get Adam’s rib? How can it be different?”
“We’re not perfect.”
Brie sighed loudly and hugged her legs, shoving her face in between her knees. “I’m so miserable without him, Lilah. I need him with me. I think about him day and night. Every second of every god-damned day I think of that boy and he doesn’t think of me.”
“You don’t know that for sure.”
Brie looked at her and shouted, “Oh, yes I do! I asked him! And you know what he said? ‘I knew this would happen’.”
Delilah looked confused. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means he doesn’t want a relationship. He just wants to fuck. To have fun with no strings attached. And I didn’t think I’d get attached but I did and now I don’t know what to do with myself.”
Delilah moved closer to Brie and wrapped her arm around her. “You’ll be fine, Brie.”
“No, I won’t.” Brie looked at her, “I don’t think I can go on feeling this way, Lilah.”
“What do you mean?”
Brie looked down and closed her eyes, “These daggers are killing me.
Days later, Brie was waiting on her stoop for Milo.
“Hey.”
Brie looked up at him. Her eyes were red, her hair was disheveled and she smelled rancid. She tried to smile.
“How are you?”
She scoffed and sniffed. “How do you think?”
After a pause, he said, “Not good.”
“Yeah, not good.”
Milo sighed. “I thought you didn’t wanna speak to me again.”
“I know.” She sniffed. “I’m sorry for sayin’ that…Can we just—let’s just pretend like nothin’ happened.”
“Like what didn’t happen?”
“Like I didn’t break up with you.”
“It’s been three hours, Brie, already you wanna get back together?”
“Yes. Is that so bad?”
“Well, do you know how ridiculous it sounds?”
“Why are you being hurtful?”
“I’m not. I’m bein’ honest.”
She stood up and sighed, “Look, do you wanna get back together or not?”
“I do, but not if you want anythin’ to change. I like the way things were, Brie. I don’t need to be your boyfriend.”
“But why not? Would it be so bad?”
“No.” He sighed and rubbed his nose. “Look, relationships are complicated and this life is already complicated and I don’t wanna add heartbreak to it.”
“I’m already heartbroken.”
“Why? You ended things with me.”
“Because I want to be more to you.”
“You’re enough, trust me.”
Brie began to cry, “I hate you.”
“See? I didn’t want this to happen. I didn’t want you to hate me.” He sniffed. “Why can’t you just accept us the way we were? There’s nothin’ wrong with what we had. You can still call me whenever you want and stuff. We don’t need to be boyfriend-girlfriend or whatever.”
“But I want to be your girlfriend, Milo. I wanna take care of you.”
“Please. Not even my mother takes care of me.”
“If you’d let me be your girlfriend I’d take care of you.”
“I’ve always been on my own, and I’m used to it. I like it. Stop tryin’ to change me.”
“I don’t wanna change you, Milo.”
“Right.” He sighed and looked away from her.
“I don’t.” She walked down the steps and tried to hug him but he pulled away. “Please. Don’t do that.”
“I don’t wanna give you false hope.”
“You don’t.” She looked down and sighed. “I can’t live without you, Milo. I go crazy when I’m not with you.”
Milo didn’t say anything.
Brie looked up at him. “So…we’ll go on the way we were.”
Milo looked at her, “Are you sure?”
Brie looked in his eyes and nodded her head.
“…You know how I feel about you, Brie. And you know how much you mean to me, but if you wanna be with me, then take me as I am and stop pushin’ for a relationship. Trust me,” he took her face in his hands, “livin’ here destroys us as it is; a relationship will only make things worse.”
“Mama?”
Edelyn, our mother, looked at her daughter.
“How do you know when you’re in love?”
Edelyn shrugged her shoulders. “You just know. There’s no way to describe it.” She sighed as she added, “I mean…I think everyone’s way of ‘being in love’ is different.” She looked at Delilah. “Why do you ask?”
“I just wanna know your perspective on love.”
Edelyn chuckled and dried her hands on the kitchen towel. She walked around the counter and sat next to her daughter. “Do you think you’re in love? Is that why you ask?”
“No.” Delilah looked down. “I’m worried about Brie.”
“Why?”
“She looks horrible, Mama.” She looked up at our mother. “She won’t eat, she won’t sleep and she’s still with him. She’s miserable, Mama. She says she’s in love but I think she’s possessed.”
“Oh, no, she’s in love.”
“Really? That’s love? Crying all day, not eating, talking about that person non-stop?”
“Yup. That’s what they call ‘puppy love’. It’s when you’re so in love it hurts.”
“Do you hurt?”
“No.” She smiled. “You only hurt when you’re young. You’re so full of passion that it hurts.”
“Did you ever hurt?”
“Of course. When I wasn’t with your father I hurt so much.” She sighed. “I cried every night ‘cause I couldn’t be with him. Finally, I decided to run away with him and…we eloped and…then we had you kids.”
“So all Brie has to do is marry Milo and she’ll be better?”
Edelyn chuckled. “I guess. If he’s truly her One, then, yes. I mean,” she sighed, “I don’t regret marrying your father, Lilah, even though I knew where he lived and what he did in order to survive; I still married him…for love.” She looked down, “But, personally,” she looked at her again, “I don’t want you to raise your kids in this neighborhood—I mean, I don’t want any of you to stay here.” She sighed again. “I’ve lost hope for the boys, they’ve all gone on the same path as the rest of the neighborhood,” she looked at Delilah, “But I have a feeling about you and Darcy. I know you’ll make it. You just have to be strong. Don’t let love blind you the way it has blinded me.” She began to tear up. “I’m mad at myself for what’s happening with the boys. I didn’t know this misery would make them drug addicts.”
Delilah stood up and hugged her mother. Then she pulled away and smiled at her. “I also believe in Darcy. He’s great at baseball and in English. He could definitely become a professor or a baseball player.” Edelyn chuckled and dried her tears. Delilah sighed wearingly. “Love sucks, Mama. I hope I never fall in love. Why go through all that pain when you can have the same pain just living here.”
“But it’s not the same kind of pain.”
“No, it’s worse. I never understood the word ‘heartbroken’ until Brie explained her pain to me…” she looked at Edelyn, “She says there are daggers in her chest, stabbing her heart…destroying it. Why would anyone want to feel that? It’s ugly just thinking about it. I keep comparing daggers to drug addictions, cancer, autism and none of them add up as much pain as daggers stabbing your heart.” She sighed heavily, “How does one survive that?”
Brie stood on the ledge of the Mondon Bridge—the bridge between Little England and Little Russia. She closed her eyes and felt the breeze kiss her skin. Milo walked up to her.
“Don’t jump.”
Brie opened her eyes and slowly turned to face him.
“Come down from there.” He raised his arm to help her get down, but she took a step back. “Be careful, Brie.” He sniffed and rubbed his nose.
“You’re high.”
“What?”
“You’re high.” She smiled. “You can’t fool me. I love you. I know you. I know the real you and the high you.”
He chuckled. “You do.”
She stared into his eyes and sighed sadly. “I wish you’d love me the way you love drugs.”
“I love you in a special way.”
“Well, I don’t want your ‘special’ way. I want your drug way—the way I love you. I love you as if you were my drug—hell—you are my drug.” She chuckled wickedly. “My own personal brand of drug.” She cackled and skipped on the ledge.
“Are you drunk, Brie?”
She sighed and turned to face him. “Haven’t you been listenin’, Milo? I’m drunk on you! You are my drug. My alcohol. My air. My everything. You have consumed my being.”
“Wow.”
She scoffed. “‘Wow’ is the only response I can get out of you?”
“I knew this would happen.”
“Yeah, you’re the all-seein’ guru, aren’t you? Maybe that’s why you can’t give up coke. It makes you know things that will happen.”
“Don’t mock me, Brie. And get down from there! I don’t want you to fall.” He walked to her and tried to get her down.
“Why should I live, Milo? Huh?! Give me one good reason.”
“I don’t need to give you reasons. I mean, hey, if you wanna die, go ahead. It’s been two weeks since a teenager died; it’s about time for another suicide.”
Brie looked at him with tears building up under her eyelids. “What would you do?”
“What?” He sniffed.
“What would you do…when I die?”
Milo looked at her.
“Tell me, Milo.”
“Tell you what? What you wanna hear or how I truly feel?”
“The truth. Tell me the truth.”
He thought for a moment and sighed. “I don’t know what I’d do.”
“Would you miss me?”
“What do you think?”
“Why can’t you just answer my questions?!”
“‘Cause I don’t wanna keep hurtin’ you! Get over me, Brie. This is sick! You look crazy and are actin’ crazy. If I’m a drug to you then you’re just like everybody else; hooked on somethin’ in this fuckin’ pathetic wasteland. You’re not that special from any other girl I’ve ever met. In fact, this is the last time you’ll hear from me. I’m done, Brie. It’s over. It’s too much.” He turned around and walked away.
She collapsed on the ground with more daggers stabbing her already broken heart. She gasped for air but her lungs had shriveled to nothing and a scream in the night managed to wake up Delilah from her sleep.
Normally, a scream like that would be ignored by Delilah—and everyone else. It’s not unusual for a woman to be screaming in the middle of the night in Little Europe—not even if you hear gunshots at the same time. But on that night, the scream was so shrill it sent a shiver up Delilah’s spine, waking her from a deep sleep.
She ran out the door and down the street, where a drunk was singing old Irish songs as another drunk puked at his side. Delilah ran up the stoop and into the scream’s apartment, only to find Brie hanging from the ceiling with an extension cord wrapped around her neck.
Delilah got down to her knees and cried.
Milo spent the rest of his days in hazy disarray. Last I heard he was turning tricks in a back alley in downtown Curry. I never heard of him again.
We all have a way to deal with pain. In our neighborhood, the most common are death and drugs. Milo and Brie were no different from the rest and gave in to it.
Only I have survived.
Contributor’s Note: Marta Delannoy is a Communications Major who wants to share, “My writing reflects who I am, who I was, and who I wish I were.”
Tags: creative writing, drugs, loss, love
